EVER SINCE THE lousy Alien Ferengi race crash-landed in the desert outside of Las Vegas, Nevada, and begged us for refugee status way back in 1913, things have never been the same. The Ferengi have been slowly, but surely screwing up not only planet Earth, but the entire New Federation Order (NFO) — just scroll down below to see what these interstellar trouble-makers have been up to — you won’t believe your pre-frontal photon gathering organs!
Fact of the matter: Never has it been just us Earthlings sick and tired of them. Oh no. When they first arrived (and constantly ever since), they been telling us they were fleeing a HORRORCOST in the Alpha Quadrant. But what’s really the deal with this stinking bunch? Ferengi always seem to get their wrinkled, sickly-yellow orange asses kicked out by many other sentient life forms in the cosmos — just as soon as they decided they’ve had quite enough and are forced to take active measures in ridding themselves of this intergalactic nuisance!
Yeah, yeah, I know the Ferengi demand for us to believe all the sad sack drama stories they run on the Televiewers ever since they bought out the networks. How the evil STaZiS of the Alpha Centauri system sent 6 billion of them to the Molecular Decouplar showers and all that jazz. Endlessly, we have to watch supposed “recreated” scenes of poor, sobbing Ferengis packed aboard space transports like sardines and turned into sweaty slaves deep in the bowels of the infamous icy planetoid ASsWiTz — or zapped into atomic nothingness if they couldn’t mine precious Dilithium crystals fast enough.
Turns out, the STaZiS only herded them aboard old secondhand space transports they had floating around, set the autopilots on a random course and plasma-welded the cockpit doors shut before riding escape pods back down to the home planet’s surface. Once the warp drives just happened to disengage in our solar system, onboard artificial intelligence robots piloted a landing on the nearest habitable planet before ejecting themselves into deep space for a little peace and quiet (they hated Ferengi, too). Planet Earth was merely unlucky chance — for all us HU-MONS, anyway.
Ferengi corporations profit mightily from bizarre life forms illegally immigrating to Earth and working for next to nothing. If you’re against the alien colonization of our planet, they’ll just call you a “xenophobe,” “hater” or the usual “anti-Ferengite.”
The very first thing they did when arriving here in 1913, was bribe corrupt HU-MON politicians and big wigs into letting them issue worthless paper Latinum certificates for use as currency. Of course, it made them richer than the spice guilds of Arrakis — all just mere coincidence, they shrilly insist.
Using terror propaganda and false flags, the Ferengi leadership tricked the New Federation Order into attacking the Klingon home planets with photon torpedoes and plasma death beams. Now they REALLY DO hate us.
— Phillip Marlowe
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