Even though few Whites have heard a thing about it, Negroes — of all ages and sexes — like to secretly perform a boisterous ritual called “Cheshi Tumbili” (Funny Monkey) in the privacy of their subPRIMATE mortgage homes and away from any prying White eyes. During this activity, they need to drink the intoxicating malt beverage “Colt-45” and smoke copious amounts of narcotic substances, like crack cocaine or cheap Mexican skunkweed. The rare photograph above, published here for the first time, shows us two Negroes (possibly on the “down-low”) doing the Funny Monkey — now thought to be vestigial behavior from the days of darkest Africa!
PART II OF MY GROUNDBREAKING “BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL” RESEARCH PROJECT: “STEALTH RACIST” TECHNIQUES FOR THE BEGINNING NEGRO FIELD RESEARCHER.
After revealing to the world my on-going anthropological work on the Africanus-American species in North America with my “Black is Beautiful” Field Work Progress…” report, my email and phone has been going off the hook from wannabee researchers, all wishing to contribute to my studies. So I’ve decided to take you, the budding Primate Researcher, under my wing and pass along some stealthy tips to help you on your way!
The most important tool that I always take with me into the field, is a small white box about 2.5″ x 2″ with holes on one side — a simple, but highly effective sound device that fits nicely in the palm of your hand and requires no batteries. You can easily find them in any large pet store by looking for the furry tug toys — some look like ducks, some like kitty cats. Look for the monkey one and give it a squeeze; you’ll be able to feel a box buried inside the stuffing. The toy will cost about $6 or $7 dollars.*
Please note: The tug toys do not always look like the one shown here, but the noise boxes all make the exact same sound of chimpanzees screeching away, or an excellent representation of upset juvenile Negroes — what us researchers technically refer to as Niglets. One squeeze on this noise-maker will emit the chimp-in-distress call for about 4 seconds (sounds below).†
Everyone has had it happen before: You’re going down some aisle in a grocery store in a rush to get cold beer — when you suddenly find your way blocked by some giant, food-stamping Sheboon! Wearing way too tight stretch pants, the bent-over Boon will take up the entire aisle while stupidly spending an eternity deciding on what brand of beans to buy, or something equally inane. All you want to do is just get past that massive set of Negress-buttocks before you get an eyeful of nasty, soiled Negro underwear, or possibly getting exposed to her breaking foul wind in your general direction.
Now, as a suitably equipped Negrologist, you can look at such disgusting situations as a valuable research opportunity!
Holding your nose as you carefully circumnavigate that humongous Negro rear-end, you simply give your handy Negro Noise-maker a tap in your pocket. That’s right! You don’t even need to remove it to make it work. With practice, you can even control the volume with your hand over your pocket. Walk straight ahead and don’t look back until just far enough down the aisle to dodge any thrown cans of beans. Observe the reaction of your primate subject. Often, at this point, I’ll give it another quick tap as the Sheboon looks around in ape-like confusion, helplessly trying to triangulate on the sound. I call this technique “The Drive-By.”
You do have to be careful, however. Other nearby Negroes hearing the chimp-in-distress signal will often try to climb the nearest tree they can find; should no trees exist in your store, any product display will suffice. They may jump on a pile of on-sale bananas or watermelons and start emitting wild chimp-like noises of their own. When that happens, I suggest departing the scene immediately. More and more Negroes will soon join in the primate screeching, creating a cacophony of jungle sounds that will quickly alert store security or any animal rights activists (liberals) who happen to be shopping at the time.
Walk away swiftly. You should probably dispose of your Negro Noise-making device by casually dropping it down beside your leg, like Al Pacino did with his pistol in The Godfather Italian restaurant scene where he wacked the corrupt cop and mobster while eating linguini.
In another all-too-typical experience just the other day while getting gas at a Costco, was when this seriously butt-ugly Negress failed to take notice (more likely could care less) of the car at the far pump leaving. Instead of pulling on up as she could have easily done, she simply took the closest pump. A White guy in a car right behind the Negress, angrily had to drive around her and do a complicated back-up to get at the pump just ahead of her. I was next in line behind the bratty Sheboon — wearing the usual way-too-tight pink top with matching pink daisy earrings — negroishly ignoring everyone else as she went about her precious day. I figured the stinking Boon more than deserved the treatment.
Taking out my handy Negro Noise-maker, I held it up next to the driver’s side-view mirror and gave it a squeeze, emitting the appropriate chimp screeching. I carefully modulated the sound direction by moving it from side to side, just behind the door mirror, so as to confuse my Negress subject. Another White guy, not more than a few feet away on the other side of the fuel pump, took no notice whatsoever — that’s usually the case; nearby White humans just don’t pick up on jungle noises in urban, temperate environments.
I squeezed the box only twice before my Negress subject looked around with that curiously blank, Gorilla-like stare they all have — you know, the vacant eyes and pursed-lip expression — as she vainly searched for Niglets in distress. She even gave the nostril flare. That’s always nice. Nostril flares are more common that you’d expect, but still nice.
Most of the time, you’ll find that you use your Negro Noise-maker well outside the range of Negro hearing. In fact, I probably use mine more this way and highly suggest all you beginner researchers do the same. Let’s say you’re in a parking lot with your friends and you see a troupe of wilding Negroes across the way. You might make the sound just to alert your fellow Negrologists to a primate group movement. They’ll appreciate the heads-up and have a happy chuckle, too!
But on the occasion, I’ve used my Negro noise-maker quite openly. Some crack-head black was arguing about pocket-change with a check-out clerk, while the line was piling up behind the fool. Summing up the situation, I checked for exits and made note of the other customers nearby — then I gave the side of my pocket a quick tap. The crack-head Negro spun around, frantically looking for another crack monkey in trouble, perhaps from animal control (police).
Somehow, I managed — just barely — to keep from bursting out laughing right in his confused, simian face. As usual, the drug-addled Negro brain could not put two and two together about where the sound was coming from and ran out of the store in a huff, muttering the usual “rasis muthafuggahs…” He even left behind his ritual Colt 45 malt beverage — believe it or not!
Stay tuned to this blog for more stories from the field. Add your own experiences in the comment section below. Be careful, too. Negroes are unpredictable and violent animals, as I’m certain you well know. Use your device with the utmost discretion. But simply having one in your car, even out of earshot of Negroes, can take away the stress of those normal, day-to-day urban encounters!
That’s right, Billy Dee! As you gain experience, you’ll notice that certain grocery items will aid you in finding research subjects. Another sure-fire attractant area, the watermelon section (where I stalked and bagged the fat trophy buck seen below), is always a smart bet to reconnoiter on your “hunt!”
This is the typical, confused ape-like expression you’ll most often see, as they look around in vain for the source of chimps in distress. Almost always, when alone, they’ll avoid eye contact with any nearby Whites — however, I highly recommend that any beginning researcher stay away from the violence-prone males of the species. Also, have your exit and lines of escape well-plotted out in advance. Regardless of anything else, keeping a straight face will be the biggest challenge facing you!
This a much better set-up for a beginner researcher. The little Niglet is obviously attempting to shoplift something, while his Aunt Jemima grandmother checks how many food stamps she has with her today. If anyone tries to make a stink about your scientific research, you can just indignantly say “that little African American youth — always so oppressed — was trying to stick some frozen corndogs down his pants!” It’s not like anyone won’t believe you.
Often-times, there is little likelihood that your subjects will hear one damn thing whatsoever. You’ll just have to take inner satisfaction for a job well-done as you, the seasoned Negrologist, smile pleasantly and stand there with your hands on your hips while smoking a pipe.
One bad side affect in using the noise device is that it sub-sonically attracts the most odoriferous and fecund (i.e. they smell like shit) Crack Hos from a 3 block radius; so I’d strongly suggest using it sparingly in places where you’d prefer not having a serious Crack Hoage infestation.
In certain urban situations, it may behoove you to refrain from using your Negro Noise-maker, even if sorely tempted. Unless, of course, you have a properly equipped fellow White research assistant to back you up (below).
A brave fellow researcher captured the facinating piece of footage above, while doing a documentary for the Animal Planet. He actually had the cojoñes to visit a tribal gathering to give us a up-close view. Various chimp-like twitters, screeching and howling may be heard in the background — just watch, if you don’t believe me!
— Dr. INCOG MAN
* I always keep several of these Negro Noise-makers handy. If you have a friend or loved one with a dog, you can give them the tug toy and then casually ask for the noise maker back later, after the pet is through tearing the toy up (just pretend it wasn’t the point of the gift to begin with). Or just remove it beforehand. This adds to your stock of noise devices fairly cheaply!
† You can go to this link to hear “The Funny Monkey Tapes,” — secret recordings made of the Negro private ritual “Cheshi Tumbili” in Newark, NJ around 1992. Warning: Sounds will drive any nearby pets crazy!
(Cheshi Tumbili is all made up, people. I think)